listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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