false alarm. still invincible.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
