i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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