I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
