you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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