I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
