you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
