YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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