That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
