So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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