Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
