you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
