I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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