funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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