I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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