last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
