i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
