How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
