Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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