Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
