Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
