Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
