He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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