My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
