I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
