I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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