so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
