Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
