Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
