So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
