If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
