The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
