You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
