I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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