i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
