He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
