You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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