I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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