i was born a porn star she said
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
