She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
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you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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