You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
