can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
tell me about the eggs
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
