Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
