Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
