My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
