do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The Olympian is in my bed
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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