chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
