Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
