And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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