Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
