I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town