Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.