Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
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I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..