I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
