look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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